Never-ending Journey: Sexuality and Mental Health

The Beginning

I started my journey of self-discovery by identifying as bisexual. 

It was an enormously confusing experience to have at ten years old. I knew I liked boys, but I also found certain female actresses and classmates attractive.

I debated for years whether or not I was allowed to be bisexual. Now, this seems like a ridiculous thing to be worried about. 

I am going to like who I like. Permission is irrelevant. 

However, at ten, I was not mature enough for that realization. So, the debate continued. I thought I was confused, mistaking friendship for something more. I wondered if perhaps I was just really envious of those actresses. 

What I wondered most was if this internal struggle made me weird. My fellow fifth-graders identities seemed so clear.

Sally liked Paul, John liked Macy, and Jimmy thought Stacie was cute. Meanwhile, I kinda liked Sally and Jimmy. I felt disconnected from my elementary classmates.  

Discoveries

In middle school, I discovered two things. The first was that I had depression and body image issues. 

The second was the term demisexual. I felt connected to that sexuality. 

To be clear, I was not having sex in middle school. I only knew sexual attraction did not come easy to me. I’d only ever felt sexual attraction after establishing a bond with someone. So for a while, I thought I was demisexual. 

The following year, I learned three things. 

I had Anorexia Nervosa, Persistent Depressive Disorder, OCD, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Fun.

The second thing I learned was the word pansexual. The third thing was how to be the victim of verbal and psychological abuse. 

As you can see, the eighth-grade year was hard. 

I was now not only struggling with depression and understanding sexuality. I was doubting the validity of my existence. My life was falling apart. 

Meanwhile, I was convincing myself I had no right to be sad, that I wasn’t sick enough, that I had no right to stand up for myself. 

Later on, that was all revealed to be untrue. My disorder had overtaken my mind. Any rational thought was torn to shreds. 

My eating disorder had become too severe for me to stay at home. I was admitted to a residential recovery facility three hours away from my hometown. I remained there for three months. 

In a new environment, I got engulfed in negative thoughts. I inverted further into myself. This gave me a lot of time to think. 

Well, I should say, my therapist made me spend a lot of time thinking. You see, this was an era in my life when I was forced to be very self-aware. 

On the bright side, it was also the era when I came to terms with my sexuality. 

Realizations

I admit (as old me sighs in defeat) that all those grueling evenings of putting thoughts into words paid off. It opened my eyes to the fact that I am pansexual. 

My so-called confusion over liking Sally and Jimmy was no confusion at all. I liked them both, but not because either was a boy or girl. I like them both because they were Sally and Jimmy, regardless of their gender. 

I uncovered many truths about myself as a result. My struggles with sexuality had bled into my battle with my overall identity. 

I had internalized past trauma. This unconsciously caused me to feel worthless and invalid, making me feel abnormal. 

My sexuality was not the cause of my mental suffering, nor vice versa. 

My poor mental health was muddling the view of my true self. Once my vision cleared, I saw the truth. I could understand and have compassion for myself. I could allow myself to be authentic. 

It helped me understand my struggles with sexual attraction. I was not demisexual. I just was not attracted to a specific gender. 

I was drawn in by personality. I have no interest in bodies. I only cared about essence.

I no longer felt abnormal. I found my home in pansexuality. I found peace with who I am. 

The Next Chapter

None of this is to say I am fully healed. I still have trauma to work through. I still go off track and lose sight of what matters. But it doesn’t discount my progress.

I’m frankly excited to discover more and learn new things, even it means I have to endure hardship. Besides, it is normal for the recovery road to not be straight.

It is also expected that your journey with sexuality and gender will be full of twists and turns. 

The LGBTQIA+ mental health experience is scary at times and rewarding for others. It is unique. There is no one clear-cut path. Everyone will go on their journey and find their own way. 

So, I may not know what is in store for you, but I do know this…

One day, you will find yourself, and when you do, you will also see how much you love who you are. 

Whichever path you take, compassion, hope, support, and wisdom are sure to be on it.