Motivation and Memories in Eating Disorder Recovery
This week officially marks my fourth year of reaching Eating Disorder Recovery. It is surreal, especially because I can still remember the moment I was diagnosed like it was yesterday.
I still vividly remember every room of the residential treatment center I was at for three months in 2018. I still have nightmares about the psychiatric center where I spent a night on a hard mattress that might as well have been the floor itself (we had no beds, just a floor, mattress, thin sheet, and a two-tiered wooden shelf bolted to the wall).
Funnily enough, I even remember the odd Iguana or two that would creep on the patio. I cannot remember what we named the Iguanas, but I know that I and the other patients gave them names.
I do not think there will ever come a time in my life when those memories will leave me. I am actually grateful for most of them. Sure, forgetting about the moment I was tubed or the time I had to strip in front of psychiatric guards so they could check for contraband would be nice. But, there are plenty of memories, some traumatizing and some uplifting, that I want to linger.
Why? They are a healthy reminder.
They are a reminder of all the hardships I overcame and the rewards that followed. These memories are motivation to stay in recovery. For example, I do not want to have a flashback each time I smell Ensure.
But those recalls motivate me to stay healthy so that I am never forced to drink one ever again. Nothing against Ensure itself. Just my own trauma. Do not sue me. Thanks, bestie!
Of course, other than not wanting to go back to the absolute utter hell that is living with an eating disorder, I have many other sources of motivation. Writing this blog every week, building my nonprofit, antagonizing my cat, my K-Dramas, and my slightly concerning obsession with True Crime podcasts, are all keeping me going. I wake up every day and do my best to find motivation and strength because that is what recovery is.
Recovery is not aesthetic meals (looking at you “recovered” IG influencers…) or perfect daily routines and self-love vibes 24/7 (still looking at you know who). Recovery is hard. It sucks at times. It can be painful, frustrating, and even seem pointless at times.
Recovery is not perfect, but it is worth it.
I do not say it is worth it because I can eat freely or no longer need to wake up at 4:00 AM to do an (insanely ineffective) exercise routine. Those things are certainly perks! However, recovery is worth it because life itself is worth it. There is no such thing as life without recovery.
Eating disorders have the highest death rates of any mental illness. The disorder I was diagnosed with is Anorexia Nervosa. It has a death rate 12 times higher than other disorders, with one person dying every hour due to complications such as sudden cardiac arrest.
Eating disorders are the second deadliest mental illness, with opioid addiction the first. For reference, deadly overdoses kill about 44 people every day, or about 16,000 people per year. These two conditions are close in rank because they are both forms of addiction. I could go into the brainy science of the similarities in brain chemistry between eating disorders and substance addiction sufferers, but it is extremely brainy.
I will use a simple explanation instead:
Eating disorders all consist of two factors: action and reward. Someone feels stressed out, so they starve themselves. Starvation can cause the brain to release “feel-good chemicals”, which lower stress levels, acting as a reward. Substance use works the same way. Someone feels anxious, so they use drugs that release similar chemicals and feelings as starvation.
Well, truthfully, I am missing the third factor these conditions all have and share: consequence. Eating disorders and substance abuse can both cause an increased risk of death, depression, suicide, organ failure or heart attack, social isolation, and loss of sense of reality or self.
Eating disorders produce momentary rewards and life-ending or, if you are lucky, life-altering consequences. No eating disorder survivor is living without aftereffects, even if they are as small as having the memories. In the same vein, no one suffering from an eating disorder is fully living.
Best said by author Amy Reed, to understand what living with an eating disorder is like, “imagine trying to live without air. Now imagine something worse.” We cannot live without air, just like we cannot live with an eating disorder. There is no co-existing. The only options anyone has is recovery or death. That is why it is essential for those seeking or already in recovery to find continued motivation.
I thought of providing some suggestions of things to use as motivation. Then, I realized that I could not possibly do that. Only you can choose what aspect of your life is enough to keep you going. It would be more helpful for me to share advice on how to find those aspects.
Here is my recommendation: no matter what, never ever stop looking. Look everywhere. Even if you need to look under every crevice known to man, you look. Your motivation is out there. I can promise that, once you find it, you’ll realize you never had to look anywhere but at yourself.
Learn how eating disorders impact gay cisgender men, because not just straight white women can have eating disorders, by clicking here.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, visit the NEDA support page now. Early intervention is one of the most important measures to prevent severe and deadly results of eating disorders. If you suspect you might have disorder eating patterns, use the NEDA screening tool now.
If you are experiencing an emergency or are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, call 911 or the suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255.
